321 - Breaking The Silence with Gabi Vargas

Aug 20

321 - Breaking The Silence with Gabi Vargas

Listeners, we are back this week with Gabi Vargas

In today's episode, we explore the power of vulnerability, connection, and the urgent need to address mental health. We'll hear from Gabi Vargas, a passionate advocate who shares her personal experiences and the challenges she faced in opening up about her struggles. From the isolation and withdrawal that often go unnoticed to the cultural norms surrounding mental health, Gabi sheds light on the importance of breaking the silence and supporting one another. We'll also hear stories of resilience and heartbreak as we discuss the impact of suicide and the need to provide better resources and support. Join us as we navigate these crucial conversations and strive to create a world where no one suffers alone.

Gabriela Vargas is a social entrepreneur, founder and owner of Poiema Studio, a safe space for community mental wellness in the city of Elgin, where the National Hispanic Suicide Prevention Network Inc., was born. With the support of Alejandro Ramirez, co-founder, Gabi leads as the founder of NHSPN, a Non-Profit organization created to serve all in suicide prevention with an increased focus on marginalized communities.

Gabi's passion for preventing suicide in the Hispanic community is lead by personal experience with anxiety and depression, moreover, the impact of becoming a suicide attempt and loss survivor. A trailblazer for suicide prevention , she began making a difference in her community by sharing her personal survival story, and advocating for changing the way society remembers suicide loss victims and offer support to survivors.

As a bilingual Youth Mental Health First Aid instructor with the National Council of Mental Wellbeing, Vargas believes education is the best prevention and hopes to make an impact on future generations by helping adults learn how to better support young people during a mental health or substance abuse crisis. Gabi is also a certified suicide loss grief support specialist, empowering fellow suicide loss survivors to find hope.

Through Gabi's leadership and advocacy, the City of Elgin proclaimed March 1st as Suicide Grief Awareness Day to shed light on suicide grief, as well proclaiming July 18th as Vanessa Guillen Day to hightlight the three main public health problems affecting minority and military communities; sexual abuse and harrassment, mental illness, and suicide loss. What began as a visual display she created to help shed awareness on numbers of children and youth lost to suicide, Empty Shoes, Empty Hearts, is now proclaimed in the City of Schaumburg as a day to bring awareness to this topic, every October 9th.

Gabi shares the challenges of fellow immigrants, being born in Zacatecas, Mexico, growing up bi-culturally as an undocumented child in the suburb of Palatine, IL. Becoming a mother at a very young age, raising her two sons by working in a community hospital as a medical interpreter for 14 years, Gabi experienced first hand the needs in her community. She learned the value of service from her parents who she is greatful for always being an example of leading in service, and who taught her to always have faith in God, and how to be resilient in adversity.

During our conversation we talked about:

[00:09:30] Family separation, sick uncle, conservative upbringing.

[00:14:45] Church brought me back to God, transformed.

[00:21:13] Breakup led to church group and therapy.

[00:27:18] Acculturation stress, immigrant families, lack of awareness.

[00:33:48] Unexpected permission issue, but event successfully held.

[00:36:36] Vulnerability is key in connecting with others.

[00:42:19] Challenges in supporting youth with trauma. Parents struggle with privacy vs involvement. Goal is to educate parents as first aid. Mental health affects the whole family. Break the silence, start conversations about mental health. Deal with challenges together as a family.

[00:52:25] Mourning loss of Eric Ayone, a tragic story.

[00:55:05] Teen overcomes struggles, inspires youth through resilience.

Pam:
Hello, everyone. This is Pam, de Cafe con Pam, the bilingual podcast that features Latine and people of the global majority who break barriers, change lives, and make this world a better place. Welcome to episode 321 of Café con Pam. Today, we have a conversation with Gabi Vargas.
Gabi is a social entrepreneur, founder and owner of Poiema Studio, a safe space for community mental wellness in the city of Elgin, where National Hispanic Suicide Prevention Network was born. With the support of Alejandro Ramirez co founder, Gabi leads as the founder of NHSPN, a nonprofit organization created to serve in all suicide prevention with an increased focus on marginalized communities. Gabi's passion for preventing suicide in the Hispanic community is led by personal experience with anxiety and depression. Moreover, the impact of becoming a suicide attempt and loss survivor. A trailblazer for suicide prevention, she began making a difference in her community by sharing her personal survival story and advocating for changing the way society remembers suicide loss victims and offer support to survivors.

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Listeners. I have to give you a trigger warning here. We do talk about grief, loss and suicide all throughout this interview. And so if this is something that you may not be in a mental place to listen to, please we have over 300 episodes to choose from. This might not be the one that you listen to today. Always prioritize your own mental health. And if you are in a place of need, please, please, please reach out for help because you are worth it.

***

Y bueno, sin más, here's my conversation with Gabi Vargas.

***

Pam:

Gabi, welcome to Cafe con Pam, I'm so excited to have you.

Gabi:

Thank you, Pam. It's so great to meet you. It's an honor to be with you today and and get to share my story.

Pam:

Yes. I'm excited to dive in. So the question that we always ask is what's your heritage?

Gabi:

I'm from Zacatecas, Mexico. De un ranchito que nadie conoce, creo. My parents immigrated to Palatine, Illinois when I was about five years old. So I was raised here in the United States.

Pam:

And how far is this from Chicago from the nearest biggest city?

Gabi:

Yeah. It's about a 30, 40 minute drive.

Pam:

That's a solid commute. How many people live in Palatine?

Gabi:

It's a pretty big city. I'm not sure how many live there, but..

Pam:

-- But it's, like, very suburb of Chicago.

Gabi:

Yes. It's a suburb of Chicago. Okay. So 66,000 people live in Palatine.

Pam:

I mean, I went to college in a place that had 70,000, and I felt like every time I would go somewhere, like, I would see somebody I knew.

Gabi:

Oh, that's so funny. Yes. I always laugh about it because I always see someone I know out on the street.

Pam:

I would I would argue that that's a small city. Yes.

Gabi:

It's a pretty small suburb. Definitely not as diverse as it is now when we grew up here, but one of the things I always share is I never knew I wasn't documented until my freshman year of high school, we immigrated to a church. We lived in one of the bedrooms they had upstairs, and then they had church service downstairs in the basement. So I really didn't even know what was, like, outside of church in my household. And now it kinda makes sense. you know, I'm sure my mom was scared that somebody would ask for our papers and stuff, but we never knew that till, like, way later.

Pam:

Wow. How many of you?

Gabi:

I have 2 sisters. I'm the middle child, with my sisters, and then I have a younger brother who's fifteen. Yes. Big gap.

Pam:

That's a that's a jump. That's a jump.

Pam:

You never knew was that a choice that your parents made to never tell you?

Gabi:

They probably felt like they didn't need, like, we didn't need to know. You know? There was a choice because they didn't make the choice to tell us otherwise, but it was kinda, like, just one random day. They're like, we're going to Mexico. Vamos a ir a sacar el pasaporte to Chicago and we got our papers, and so it was definitely a shock. Like, I don't think we understood what that was yet. And so that was the first time my mom went back after 10 years. And so we went and met our grandparents and, like, sadly soon after, just a few months after, my grandfather passed away, and then my uncle, and then my grandma. And so my mom was just really bitter at the long time she had to wait to see her parents and then she's like, I'm never gonna go back to Mexico. It was really hard for my parents, and I'm sure they kept a lot of stuff from us that they probably thought it was better for us not to know about.

Pam:

For sure. I mean, you know, sometimes we question, like, why did they do that? But, really, the majority of times, it's they did what they could with what they had, and that was a form of protection, perhaps.

Gabi:

Exactly. And I have really young parents. I think my dad was about twenty one years old. My mom was 19 when she brought my sister and I, she was 6 months pregnant with my younger sister. So, like, now as an adult, and now with my own kids, I think, back, I'm like, oh my gosh, they were so young, and they had, like, you know, nothing. So -- Yeah.

Pam:

--

Gabi:

whatever they did, and Like, they were just trying their best, that I know for sure.

Pam:

For sure. And you, you know, you're all alive and well. Yep. They did a good job. And so you never left Illinois?

Gabi:

No. We had never left Illinois till that day. We went to Zacatecas and it was, like I said, a shock, I guess. It's so interesting because I feel like I lived a total different life, and I'm not allowed Mexican friends of mine or friends from Mexico and stuff because when we moved into this church, it was a Pentecostal church, Christian Pentecostal. So my parents converted to Christianity, of course, because, you know, they were embraced and and supported by this community. So my mom's side of the family didn't want anything to do with us because we were Christian.

Pam:

Makes sense. The shame of like, say no to the virgen, Catholicism.

Gabi:

I didn't grow up with that culture. Like, I didn't grow up with, like, listening to, like, Mexican music or You know, I think the the most that we ever saw about our heritage was my dad always dressing up as a cowboy, always talking about his life back in el rancho and stuff. So I feel like in in some sort of way I'm a little bit whitewashed. In my school, like, I grew up in, like, the most predominantly white high school and neighborhood.

Pam:

Y en tu casa hablaban español?

Gabi:

En mi casa hablábamos español porque no nos dejaban hablar inglés. It was like we would get in trouble because my mom didn't speak English, and so which I'm very grateful to my father for, you know, implementing that rule within our household because

Pam:

Ahora hablas español.

Gabi:

Hablo español.

Pam:

-- And, I mean, of course, I'm saying this for a little listeners because the the there's this big conversation. I've been talking about it for a long time. Of the shame of the people that don't speak español, and I love that people are reclaiming the language. Like us adults, which is awesome. you know, this is for the listeners. If you don't hablas español, is not your fault, and that doesn't make you any less brown and proud of who you are.

Gabi:

Well, I have 2 sons. One of them speaks like bilingual, full blown English, and Spanish, and the other one, he says he forgot he's Mexican. I'm always pushing for them to practice. You know, it's like I understand they're also their own person and You know, I'm I'm never, like, making them feel some kind of way, but they do, like, my my family, like, with my youngest. Tell this in Spanish, if you don't tell this in Spanish, we're not gonna give it to you or we're not, you know, but and now I was like, don't be like that. He really doesn't know it yet. So

Pam:

Si, porque así le das más pena, no?

Gabi:

Si, es como que los avergüenzan algo. Los hace sentir como que oh, you're not good enough. Like, all of that. So I really don't like, you know, doing that with with them or with anyone that we meet, but don't -- Yeah.

Pam:

Don't do that people because it's traumatizing. You know, it's not like huge trauma, but it's still, like, especially how old is he?

Gabi:

He's eleven.

Pam:

Ay, no manches, he's too little. Live him alone.

Gabi:

Yeah. And, you know, when you think about it for a lot of immigrant families, And I think in in my case, it was very similar. It was never like, hey. You gotta continue your heritage or your culture because now you're here and they want you to be harder here, and they want you to, like, own who you are in this country. So, again, it's very hard, and I hope people can understand that so hard to be raised in the United States with, you know, different cultures and a lot of nans. I hope can have a little bit more grace with their kids. It's not like a spiked or anything like that.

Pam:

100%. I agree. And I would say even the the family, you know, because it's like the comment is what gets to you. I mean, I've had to, to this day, still work through things that my tía said to me. You know, when I was like, 8. Even with the most benign intention, we still perceive things in a different way. And so --

Gabi:

Yes.

Pam:

Anyway, I'm so curious about the religion stuff. So how did you overcome this friction between the Catholic family and then your family being Christian.

Gabi:

So, actually, we didn't have much to deal with personally, like, in those years. because, like, my grandma actually sent my mom a letter and said, like, you're no longer a daughter. And so there was, like, a big, like, separation with our family. I think that what brought us together was I had an uncle that was really sick, and so my mom, because she didn't work, she was the only one that could take care of him. So that you know, open the doors for her family to be, like, you know, like, I guess more accepting until throughout the years. Obviously, it was different. If you know about Pentecostal of bringing, it's very, very conservative. And so just even going to, like, parties, we would always leave as soon as the music was gonna start playing. I mean, we would stay home on Halloween. Like, we couldn't go out. So you know, this is kind of funny. Yeah. This is the 1st, like, interview I share all of this, but I think...

Pam:

This happens at Café con Pam.

Gabi:

Yes. It really created a friction just with, I think, my identity. I remember the age of, like, fifteen years old or 16, I ended up going to, like, my first baile ever, in a holiday in with some coworkers. Y estaba tocando *inaudible* , and this that was, like, my first, like, thing about my family that I was doing. Like, this was, like, simple, and this was, like, really bad. Right? But I walked walked into that baile, and it was it was awesome. I love the music, and I love dancing. And so I started dancing and getting into duranguense, and my parents were like, like, what are you doing?

Pam:

Blasphemy.

Gabi:

Yeah. And I went from, playing the drum set at my church to, like, you know, leaving church. And so the thing that I think I was again, I it's you're a an adolescent, you have all these you know, identity crisis and things are figuring out. So we all laugh about it because on my family on my dad's side, who is Christian, they would make fun of me because I'd be wearing like botas de cocodrilo and my belt and I'd be dancing like duranguense and all my cousins were always making fun of me. But I do feel like those years of my life, like, I discovered, like, oh, I love dancing. I love being Mexican. You know? That I had never had before. And so I think it was really hard in my youth, like, after 16, like, I also, I had my son very young, and so that being that unwed mother, leaving my house at 18, and at that point, my dad was the church pastor. So just a lot. A lot of things I had to figure out on my own, and so there's still that that big difference between my sisters and I, I think, I've been the one to say, like, ah, I wanna be myself. I wanna do this. You know?

Pam:

That was a middle child. My sister's gonna listen to this and be like, ugh.

Gabi:

Yeah. So I, actually stopped going to church for many, many years, and I came back to church in 2016. After being raised in church, I hated a church. I want nothing to do with God. I felt like people were, like, you know, hypocritical, and I didn't want anything to do with religion, but, you know, I still had it in my heart, and I'm glad that you know, I was able to go back to church and find my own personal relationship with who I believe God is in my life. And now I have, a balance, you know, I definitely do not raise my kids the way that I was raised, but always keeping those values and, you know, the respect that my parents just wanted us to have towards God. And and at the same time, I always like voice for being who I am and that God loves me no matter what. And so I think it's my relationship with my parents has taken a while to to be where it is today.

Pam:

Makes sense. When you were out of church did you ever feel like guilt?

Gabi:

All the time.

Pam:

I know. It's high.

Gabi:

God is watching me.

Pam:

Right. You're doing everything wrong.

Gabi:

Mhmm. That's what I I feel, like, sadly, my parents were shepherd that way, like, after coming into that religion. I was, like, fearing god, you're not good enough. You're not perfect enough. Like, you have, you know, even from, like, superficial, like, we couldn't cut ourhair. We couldn't wear makeup. We couldn't wear pants. We couldn't wear a bathing suit to take swimming classes. And so all of these things that was so prohibited for us to do that I think that's what made it so hard.

Pam:

Sure.

Gabi:

To stay there. So it's definitely a roller coaster.

Pam:

I grew up with a very Catholic grandma. And my mom converted to Christianism, Christianity. And I was like, oh, always been the rebel. -- questioning both ends. Like, why the virgen? Why not? And, you know, why are you telling me what to wear? Like, why does that matter if we're all the same? And he loves us anyway. And so I would always get in trouble. Because it's really fascinating how I don't think it's a bad thing because I think what religion does is it allows people to have a sense of belonging and faith, especially when you're in a in a place of need and you're into the depths of despair. It's something that uplifts you and faith. Whatever it is, it's really uplifting.

Gabi:

Yes. And I actually that's how I ended up back at this church that I go to now, and it's a big mega church. Definitely not where I went to. Like, again, a very small church. that was, you know, was so tiny. And that when I went to this church, I was really struggling, and I remember when my coworker told me about it. So there was this one night that I I just scared about how I was feeling. I'm like, I'm gonna go to Willow Creek, and they ended up there and and, like, it was a concert. I think, god, there was a concert. Like, it was open because church wasn't happening. So I don't know if you heard of a Bethel band. It's a Christian. They're pretty well known, but I was it wasn't even, like I didn't even know who they were. I went in there, and I I don't all I remember is just, like, falling to my knees and just crying for, I don't know, how long. But when I went there, it was so different I saw people wearing shorts and people were like, so casual. And I'm like, you know, but it still touched me. You know, that that church brought me back to God, like, to a place where I I still felt like, you know, I had to find myself, and, we'll talk a little bit more that, but even, like, when I found a therapist for myself, I made sure it was someone that was a believer or someone that kinda would have an experience to help me process everything I had gone through in church, because I felt like it was such an important part of my life that definitely, you know, created who I was but at the same time, I didn't feel like a 100%. Like, I was, like, my parents that I wanted to be that way. But not a healthier relationship with, you know, my faith, you know, that that it doesn't have to be a certain way. It doesn't have to be the way my parents want it to be. You know, I know that they're happy that I'm actually going to church and that, you know, they hear me talk about my faith all the time.

Pam:

That's awesome. tell me the journey about your organization.

Gabi:

Yeah. So, like I was saying, I've graduated really young with, my senior year at high I had my son, Josh, and so I moved out, like, 3 months after I moved out of my house, and I can't even tell you right now what I was thinking. But through this time, like, right after I got my medical interpreting certificate, so I started working at a hospital and throughout those years, I lost my friend, to suicide in 2012. He was twenty two years old, and he worked with me. So, again, that story is a little bit longer, but it was losing him that I realized for the first time, like, that suicide existed. Little did I know that 5 years later my cousin at eighteen years old would take his life. And that was kinda like the first time that anything like this was ever brought up in my family. Right? But, you know, Thanksgiving dinner conversation, I just blew, like, told everyone because I felt like I had to defend what everybody was saying about my cousin. I told him I actually had it, you know, almost of my life a year prior. A lot of my adult life was definitely, difficult because since I had, you know, gotten pregnant and was unwed, I felt like I couldn't come home. Like, I already felt like I had done so much wrong that it felt hard to go back home. And so I really struggled throughout these years and losing my cousin who had everything, you know, so young. He had a really, like, a good family that had, like, you know, financially, they were good and everything. And so it it made me realize if he took his life, what's gonna stop me in the future? Cause I was already, like, struggling. Like, I would plan my suicide. I would clean my house to make or my mom wouldn't find it. I'm looking like a mess, you know. And so losing my cousin was really hard. And I remember in the hospital, obviously, I started noticing more. Right? I started noticing more youth coming in, struggling, and it made me really go see a therapist. I was like, I have to go see a therapist. and that's another story itself of how I ended up. Somebody, like, telling me, like, we should probably go see someone. And so I thank that person, 100, a million percent every day, her name is Liz, for actually coming up to me and saying, hey. I've noticed, you know, something in you. And so my therapist was like, you know, I feel like maybe you could start doing some volunteer work. It would help you a lot. I was just looking for ways to not, like, cope with, when I was feeling like either going out dancing or doing drugs or drinking, I was trying to find healthier ways to cope with everything. And so that's how it all started. We started with a community walk. I organized at the hospital and it just started creating all these events, and people started coming up to me and telling me about their experiences. And so that's the beginning of my organization.

Pam:

We're gonna break it down because I have a lot of questions.

Gabi:

Yes.

Pam:

First, my condolences for all the loss. Oh my gosh.

Gabi:

Thank you.

Pam:

I went through the suicide prevention training to be a counselor. And, I mean, it's a really comprehensive training. And I ended up deciding not to go forward with it because even just going through the training, it was very taxing for my empath self, and that is a very privileged statement because I chose not to continue. But then I realized that suicide, it they call it a ladder risk, you know, when people have thoughts, that's when-- a lot of people have thoughts. I've had suicidal thoughts many times in my life because my depression. But then the number 2, the next step of that is the plan that you talked about, how you clean your house, you know, like, making sure things get ready. The 3rd step is the means. So 2 have you planned it out? Are you getting things ready? 3, do you have the things that you need to end your life? And, you know, everyone decides how that's gonna happen in different ways. And then 4 that's the highest risk is the time frame. So when people have a date and a time, and they've already gone through all the steps. Now one thing that I learned going to do that is sometimes people stay in step 1 for years. Sometimes they move up to the plan like you mentioned. You would clean your house and then maybe go back to the thoughts. Maybe you moved up to step 3 of having the means. You know? What's really critical when it comes to suicidal thoughts is, like, people feeling alone, I think, and not having anyone to talk to because everything is done in silence. You know, it's everything is not like you're having a planning party with your friends about it. And so everything is done within yourself and many times within your head. Like, it's not even you know, it's it's all ruminating and just thinking and thinking and thinking. How did Liz learn about you having those thoughts?

Gabi:

At this point in time, I was going through a breakup in my life, and so my ex's friend her name is Emily. She's like, let's go to Bible Study. And again, I was still kinda, like, in that phase where I wasn't sure how I felt about church, but I just felt so alone, and I also felt like a lot of my friends were not the best support system at that time because they were, like, not a good influence. And so Emily ended up inviting me to this church group, and it's so funny how our insecurities play, right, when we're looking for support because I as soon as I got there, I'm like, I see all these, like, you know, abuelitas, ladies, like, they're all had, like, big wedding rings, like, big, like, I'm like, dang, like, these ladies, what are they gonna know, like, about what I'm doing with, like, this I fell a little bit out of place. I was already, like, you know, looking for ways to say I don't belong here. Right? So I'm sitting there, and, I was just, like, you know, crying the whole time, like, nonstop, like, like, literally, like, nonstop. Like, I was just crying everywhere in public all the time. And so she came up to me. She's like, I noticed, like, that you need to pour and perhaps in this group, you're not gonna find it because I feel like you need more support, and she shared with me her story. And it was interesting because it was, like, very similar to the things that I was dealing with my family that It's always shameful to think, like, oh, you know, like, you have these issues with your parents and stuff. And so she gave me a card. She actually said, you know, Terry, she sits in our circle. She's a counselor. You should go see her. And I carried that little card for, like, a while, like, a couple of weeks, and I was just like, I'm not crazy, though. Like, I'm fine. I'm just, like, hurting because I broke, like, we're broken up, but it's gonna get better. And, like, what you were saying, it It's like those thoughts. Right? But what started scaring me was that that I started planning it and that I started, like, kind of seeing, like, what I would have to make sure to take care of, like, for the future that did happen. And so that's where I was like, you know what? Let me call this lady. That was my first therapist who I think because I met her in that group, she definitely treated me a little bit different than probably other clients because there was times I couldn't even sleep at night, like, just so scared about what I was thinking and feeling and I'd be texting her. And she was like, listen to this lullaby. She'd give me, like, Christian baby lullabies to help me go to sleep. And so I was seeing her for many, many months to talk about the person in this relationship. And she'll finally, one day, she's like, I'll give you 2 more sessions to talk about him, and then we have to move move on to you. You know? And so I think she knew I needed to get all of that out. And, Terry, for me, was, like, an angel in my life because she helped me not just, you know, psychologically with my mental health, but also she allowed me to start loving myself. Like, it like, god still love me, and I'm still, like, enough. So that was, again, the beginning of of my healing, you know, for someone to actually notice that something isn't right. I was working at the hospital, like I was saying as an interpreter. And so in this time, I had lost a lot of weight. And so when I was in the hospital, everybody was like, you look so great. And so I'm walking down the hallway, it's like smiling because you know, you always wanna give the best for your, patients and, you know, patients come first. And so I think because I was working in the hospital, there's a there was also that step back from getting help because, you know, you're in the you work for the hospital. Right. You know, you're good. Like, you're supposed to be taking care of everybody else. And so, yeah, I'm very grateful to, like, Emily and Liz and Terry that, you know, saw something in me and knew that I needed support.

Pam:

For sure. And that expectation that you talk about, like, you're supposed to be okay. You're fine. Like, you have to meet a certain standard. And meanwhile, you know, it's all a facade. It's you're it's a front. And meanwhile, your thoughts are, like, I don't know what's coming up. It's like they're literally eating your alive because it's a loop almost. It's almost like know, when you get frozen on the computer, we were dealing with that. It's this, like, loop that you can't virtually get out of until you ask for help. It's really hard. I understand for people to seek for help. Do you have any stats? What's the percentage for Latinos?

Gabi:

Yeah. So, the interesting thing about that is that the percentages of the numbers are not accurate because we don't really report them. You know? So I don't like to focus so much on those numbers with our community. We do lose a 132 people to suicide every day. The 2nd leading cause of death in youth is seventeen to twenty four years old. 2nd.

Pam:

The second?

Gabi:

Yes.

Pam:

What's the first?

Gabi:

Accidents.

Pam:

Wow.

Gabi:

And so as I started doing this work, again, it was it was mainly, like, people that I knew, people that were reaching out to me. So really quickly, I started learning of people and their stories that I was, it gave me this courage to start doing the work and learning more. But, recently, since we launched NHSPN, the National Hispanic Suicide Prevention Network, It was really because I started to notice that there wasn't any, like, research or reports that I could really, like, rely on to do the work, but one of the statistics that really hit my heart was learning that third generation immigrants are three times more likely to take their life than a 1st generation immigrant. And so that's, like, not even my kids. Right? It's, like, their kids. And 8 out of 10 suicides are male, and it's actually going a little bit higher towards 9 out of 10 based on the most recent report. So as a mother, having 2 boys, you know, obviously, I'm like, wait, what do you mean? Like, their kids are gonna struggle more than them. And I thought I was, like, already breaking through these barriers and challenges. That statistics about their generation immigrants definitely hit home for me.

Pam:

What do you think? 3rd generation or higher risk than 1st.

Gabi:

So I was doing some research on acculturation stress. What we'd started talking about at the beginning. So not feeling a sense of belonging, also the stress, right, that comes with being an immigrant family, you know, When we do our work, we always consider that like, I'm not gonna expect the parent who has a struggling youth to leave their job to come to one of our trainings, a full day training. It's not a luxury. You know, they're not gonna do that because they can't. You know, that's that's the hard part about being an immigrant in this country, just the stress that comes with it and, obviously, the lack of education and awareness We don't talk about mental health. I think other ethnicities and other communities have an advantage and even they are struggling, you know, to break up. So can you imagine us, like, how hard it is? And so those statistics, especially the male one, you know, and I'm like, we all have a son, a brother, a father, and there's just not enough awareness to support our men. There's a lot of, as you know, a lot of women focus groups and support. And I think men a lot of times are left behind in some sort of way.

Pam:

And when it comes to mental health 100%. Oof. I'll take a coffee break.

Gabi do you drink coffee?

Gabi:

I do, hoy I made my coffee with canela. So I'm gonna put in a tea, put some coffee in there.

Pam:

Nice. I am drinking Four Sigmatic today. Use the code Stay shining if you want to try it. I'm drinking their Think blend, which has lion's mane and cordyceps, I believe, to help you with thinking.

Gabi:

Oh, what's that again?

Pam:

Four Sigmatic. So it's mushroom coffee.

Gabi:

Oh, I've heard of that.

Pam:

Use the code Stay Shining.

Gabi:

I think I need to try it for sure.

Pam:

Yeah. Yeah. if you with that code, it gives you 10% off, and then I get, like, points. And it helps. It helps listeners because okay. I am gonna make this caveat because listeners come to me all the time and they message me and they're like, I tried Four Sigmatic. And I'm like, did you use the code? And they're like, oh, I forgot. And the thing is that I used to get this is facts. They used to give me 15% off, but because not enough people used the code, they still hear it from me. But not enough people used the code, they were like, Well, we're gonna drop it out to 10% because your people are clearly not using it. And I'm like, no, they're clearly using it. They're just not using the code. Listeners, please use code. And this is when it became hard because I'm like, well, you're making me compete with yourself because they give 10% to if you subscribe to their mailing list. Mhmm. And so I'm like, you're like, there's no incentive to use my code because they're already, you know, and stay shining.

Gabi:

and drink coffee.

Pam:

And, yes, and it's it's good coffee.

Gabi:

I will have to definitely try it. I think I need that thick blend for sure.

Pam:

It's good. It's really good. And it it does help, indeed. My sister drinks lion's mane, like, stand alone, not in her coffee, and she says it helps with, like, even more clarity. I'm cool with this one. Okay. Let's get back to the show.

***

Hola manis, by the way, if you are enjoying this conversation and you wanna keep talking about it, if you have some comments and maybe some questions that you have, Follow me on social media, and let's keep that conversation going. This is your reminder to screenshot and tag me @cafeconpampodcast on Instagram and Facebook and let's keep talking about it. Tell me what's resonating. Tell me what isn't. Tell me what do you wish I asked the guest. This is your chance. And if you're on TikTok, I'm @cafeconpampod as well. Let's stay connected.

***

Pam:

So you start doing the walks, what was the time frame between your colleague and your cousin?

Gabi:

5 years.

Pam:

Okay.

Gabi:

Yeah. 5 years.

Pam:

And so then you're like, okay. This is way too big. like, way too common.

Gabi:

Yeah. So the day that I, well, I'm planning this walk. Right? And then one day, I'm going on a walk with my parents for like, we're deciding to go to this ice cream shop. And I go in there and I see a flyer with the picture of a friend of mine who also work at the hospital, a different friend. He was actually a different man. And I look at the picture, and I was like, so startled. And I looked it up, like, because it said something about, like, a golf outing. Some I forgot what it was the event. It turns out that he had taken his life. And, again, this is when I'm, like, organizing the walk, and so that was a total shock for me too because I used to see him and his brother at the gym, and so that was a shock. So I'm at the point where I'm creating this flyer, and I have my cousin's picture in it. I have Mike's picture in it. My cousin, my friend, and my coworker. And one of the things that I did when I was struggling with my depression was totally isolate myself, and I didn't have any Facebook or anything at the time. And so I make these flyers and started putting them up all over the hospital. And somebody mentioned you should really post it on Facebook. And I was like, I don't have Facebook, they're like, you should open. I did this. You're gonna need it. You should get it again. The first post, and I'm not, like, lying about this. The first post I see was a post of another friend of mine that had just taken his life.

Pam:

Oh my gosh. You know. Men, too?

Gabi:

Yeah. Male. And in the flyer, the their initials spelled out men. And

Pam:

Wow!

Gabi:

And then on top of that, when I was around, like, in my early twenties, we had a neighbor, Don Nicolas. He was like, If you ever watch Boy Meets World, he was like, Mister Feeney, like, he's the neighbor you always knew. Right? And so he was the first funeral, my family, and I never went to. And I looking back on it now, I mean, I think it was, like, what comes with suicide laws that fear or, like, you don't know what to do. But, Don Nicolas, our neighbor, he actually took his life in our backyard as well. And, again, like, now we go back and make so much loss, you know, so many people in my life, and that's what really gave me this courage to keep going and and spreading awareness. Like, at that point, I couldn't stop because I need every it was surreal. Things were happening, like, so much. So -- It

Pam:

Just kept pushing you and pushing you.

Gabi:

Yes.

Pam:

It's a lot.

Gabi:

Yeah. Like, I remember that these flyers again, you know, here I am, like, I've never done any, like, any of this before. We put up all the flyers, and then all of a sudden, like, this was, like, a Thursday. I get a phone call from a lady that worked, community outreach, and she's like, hey, was wondering who gave you permission for this. And I was like, oh, I got permission for marketing and and HR. And they she said, yeah. Well, nobody asked me so you can't hold this event. And all my flyers were brought down from the walls of the, like, everywhere. I had already posted it on Facebook, and I was like, what do you mean, like, we can't have this event? You know, and this at this time, I was, part of the healthy you committee, in the hospital promoting, saving lives every day. You know? And so I was like, if we cannot have this event, like, I'm taking off this shirt, and I'm gonna, like, you know, this is not alright. Like, if these people that are taking their lives are not as important as people with heart disease and diabetes and breast cancer, then we're I'm not in the right place. You know? And so luckily, after some conversations, we were able to hold the events. And it was at and people were like, what? Are you crazy or what? It was called the into the Sunrise. So I'm I had everybody meet me at the back of the hospital. I had a, like, a little lake area. at 5:30 in the morning, and we watched the Sunrise together. The 1st year I held it, we had about 58 people. The first time And then the next year, we had up around a 180 people show up for the walk. So, yeah, again, like, I was saying, like, you know, things like that setbacks that gave me the courage to say, this is not okay. Like, we're gonna do it. And that is what, you know, what my mom always says, like, she always thinks back I was younger, she's like, eras tan traviesa. And, like, people at church were like, esa güera, because I was, like, super, like, this little white blonde, green eyed, like, Mexican. little girl. My mom says que era bien tremenda, you know, but I think

Pam:

Es güera de rancho, literal. Have you heard that term?

Gabi:

Yes. So so that, you know, I think is is what's giving me the courage. My people are like, you're so tenacious. How do you do it? I'm it's like that courage, you know, when I think something isn't right, like, I feel like I'm called to do something about it.

Pam:

What can people do? Because going back to the silence of it, you know, it's this is something that people go through by themselves in their head, literally. And I have a suicide in my, like, a recent suicide in my family.

Gabi:

So sorry to hear that.

Pam:

Yeah. And it was a man. And to this day, it's like, we didn't know. We had no idea.

Gabi:

Yes.

Pam:

So what can people do?

Gabi:

So when you say people, are you referring to the ones that are struggling or the people that are supporting them?

Pam:

The supporting people.

Gabi:

One of the things I tell people, especially, like, in my experience, like, what you're saying, that isolation. Right? Mhmm. when you start noticing that people are withdrawn, and that people are totally different from what their usual self is, start asking questions. You know, start being involved. And one of the hardest things after COVID is, like, a lot of people have gotten used to that being alone and, like, work at home, and we work from home, but for me, it was like and I think my coworkers learned this after, you know, within the department, we saw each other every day, like, every day. And they knew that I was going through a divorce. They knew I was a single mom. They knew I had lost my cousin, like, all these things. And at the same time, I never felt like I could open up to them about what I was feeling because everybody else was acting so normal and perfect. And so that's what I tell people. Like, stop trying to be perfect and know that vulnerability goes a long way. Like, just in your life, if, like, be okay with not being okay and if you're supporting someone else, they're not gonna open up to you if you're always acting like you're perfect. You're always acting like stuff doesn't happen to you. For parents, I'm always, like, reminding them the power of vulnerability so that their kids can open up to them because if you have this perfect parent that has never struggled with anything, you're not gonna open up. And so I know we've all struggled in some sort of way especially if you've immigrated to the US, look at areas in your life where you have needed someone, whether you had that person or didn't have it, like, open up about that experience, you know, open up about not knowing what they're going through. Like, being real about it. Hey. I don't know what you're going through. let's talk about it or let's learn about it together. So, yeah, for for me, I think it's it's knowing what people are like, because I had I had this mom who brought her thirteen year old over to us. He had attempted, and he was struggling, and I met the kid, and he had, like, I knew that he had signs that his mom there's no way the mom hasn't noticed, right, and so we were talking about it. And she's like, Gabi sabes que me da vergüenza decirte, él no ha cenado con nosotros como por seis meses. He has not had dinner with us for, like, 6 months. She's like, he gets home from school. He goes straight into his room. And so that's the part where I'm like, how do you expect to know what the signs and symptoms are if you don't even have a connection with your son. And so if you think about it, like, now you have male, like, the husband and the wife, like, how does he feel about being on not okay? Like, you know, again, it's the culture, right, the the normality of talking about feelings and talking about not being okay, it just needs to be more resilient. You know, it definitely stops us from get at getting help and asking for help.

Pam:

I agree. And a reminder that it's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to not know what's wrong. But know that there's something that's off. Because to your point of, like, really knowing and understanding people, but you can tell. You know? And I think, like, there's different sites of this conversation, I think, on one end, there's a shame about mental health, especially in men, you know, because the patriarchy, el machismo has prevented men from actually feeling or showing that they feel. Then there's a conversation about or the lack of resources, and people are not knowing what to do when they deal. Like, it's also a shock. I remember when we went through -- loosing John. So my sister was, of course, destroyed, but that they talked to the therapist to know how to tell the kids, right, because it's, like, the whole thing that unravels when you lose someone, especially when there're kids involved. And the therapist was like, well, you just have to say that he died because that's what happened. You know, you depending on age, one kid is older than the other, the little one, you don't wanna tell him how it happened. He's no longer on this earth, and that's a fact and that's real. And he needs to understand that. And my mom who'd lost her dad at nine years old, she was like, why don't we just tell him that he went on vacation? And we're like, no. We cannot tell him that. Because then, you know, but she doesn't know it. She doesn't know. And she's working with what she had at the time. And she was like, well, when that happened to me, I thought that my dad went on vacation. You know? It's this also that piece of the people that are supporting someone who's struggling, not knowing, not having the resources and how to help. And, like, being kind of in this state of, like, freeze when you face someone who is actually gets to that point to say I'm not doing well. And then the other person's like, oh, what do I do with this? like, different resources, not just for the people that are struggling, but also for people that are potentially supporting someone. Because what helped me and I, like, going through that suicide line training. Now anytime someone's like, I'm struggling, I literally ask them, are you having suicidal thoughts? And they get like, ugh. And I'm like, I need to know because I'm going to ask the next what the next question, which is do you have a plan? And if you do, then I'm going to send you to someone who, like, that's when it's like, alright. If you're getting to the next step, let's go ask for help. So what do you think people on all ends could do. I mean, it's it's a it's like a huge undertaking. And I don't think it's, you know, one answer.

Gabi:

Yeah.

Pam:

Like, what are your thoughts?

Gabi:

Obviously, it comes with its, you know, difficulties because, you know, here we are talking about parents supporting their youth. Right? And they're coming from a place that they probably are dealing with unresolved trauma and things that was never talked about. And so I think for us and the work that we do, we're always thinking about changing the dynamic within the family that is supporting someone from hey, we're supporting him because he's got problems from, hey, we are dealing with something as a family. How do we support each other? One of the things that our parents tell us all the time is after twelve years old, they don't get all the information, right, especially, at at the counselor's office or a doctor's office, that twelve year old now has a right to privacy that is very difficult for parents to to, you know, very challenging for them to feel involved. Like, they feel like they they're dealing with it. Like, they're always afraid of something that could happen. But at the same time, on the flip side, you have someone telling you they have the right to privacy. I can't tell you what was said during the meeting and stuff like that. So when they come to us, And I teach youth mental health first aid. So, my goal is for parents to have the education to be the first aid, right, because there's nothing that I can do from far away that will be better than what you can do for your child. Right? And so our goal is to certify them. They get the certification and then just continued support and coaching to the parents. No one is gonna know your child more than you. You know, and whether you made a mistake in the past, making them feel bad about what they're going through, maybe you were dismissive, or maybe now you're being a hell after mom and not giving them an opportunity to learn how to thrive on their own. Another extreme, like, now you've got a parent taking their child for everything that you can think of to the ER that comes with a traumatic experience. And so it's very challenging. It's very different for so many parents, but again, what I was saying in I wanna go back to is knowing that it's something you deal with as a family. There's not, like, one person. Maybe you have one person who's you know, shown the signs and symptoms. You have one person who's drinking too much, one person who's eating too much, whatever it is. If you take a look at the signs and symptoms, everybody's gonna show them in some sort of way. Right? But sadly, when someone either attends or they have a mental health crisis that now they're, like, involved with professionals, there's always like, oh, the big problem in the family. Right? And I I go back to, like, it's all of us. Even in the training, like, I always, I tell everyone, like, raise your hand. If you have a brain and they all look there and they all look, raise your hand. They all look their hand. I'm like, then this is important to all of us Like, this is not more important to me or to you, you know, it's it's everyone. And so going back to, you know, my experience. I know my parents love me, and I know that they were surviving and they were trying to pay the bills and give us a place to live in all the important basic needs. What I didn't have at that time in my life was conversation. Right? Mhmm. First of all, conversation that wasn't about god, that wasn't not connecting my feelings to my religion. Yep. So what we tell our our community is, starting with breaking the silence. Whatever that means for you, whether it's talking about a suicide that you just saw in the news, like, we just, you know, that that doctor that took her life the other day with her baby. Use those stories as moments to talk to your kids, to your youth, to your sister, to your husband. What do you think? Why do you think people, you know, are going through that? Whatever it is, it's about breaking the silence. Whether one day you decide to, like, start the conversation around your kitchen table. Hey. How's everybody feeling? You know? But it goes back to the groundwork. Right? Knowing that as a family, we can deal with things together, and it doesn't have to be scary. Like, I always tell people just like, you know, I hear my dad say, oh, my mom had diabetes, so I have to take care of myself. You know, always like, he's so -- proactive because he doesn't wanna have diabetes, and I always tell people that think about it. Como decimos, oh, mi mamá tenía diabetes y luego empiezas a cuidarte y todo, igual así if you start talking about mental health challenges that have never been spoken about in your family talk about how you're gonna deal with them differently now.

Pam:

Mhmm.

Gabi:

You know, that experience can definitely change for our youth, for your kids when you have a parent that brings up this conversation. And every time I teach our training, it's so beautiful to see, like, people walk out of there not. not about the certification, not about the awareness, but they're like, I've never talked to anyone about this. Like, I thought this was normal. You know? And so we talk about grief, you know, the way our community copes with grief. Like, we start drinking and we start, you know, doing drugs and trying to cope with it. And so, again, those moments were different events, like changing events, whether it's a a divorce you know, loss of a job, loss of a house. Anytime you know that someone is going through that, they need to be checked on.

Pam:

Totally. Totally. It's also for I feel like for a our culture, it's hard to show that we care. I don't know. I feel like there's Also, the extremes, there's either, like, the super cuddly people, and then there's the unattached, you know, I care, but, de lejos.

Gabi:

It's not that they don't care. It's like fear. Like, what are you saying that?

Pam:

Yeah. They just don't know. They don't know what they don't know.

Gabi:

Yeah. We have our our students practice asking the question, are you thinking of killing yourself? Because people wanna say, like, are you thinking of hurting yourself or, like, estás pensando algo malo? Are you thinking of something bad? Yeah.

Pam:

No. It has to be straight.

Gabi:

It has to be straight. So even that, like, they're like, oh, you know, So as hard as the conversation, as hard as a question that is to ask, it's a very important question.

Pam:

Mhmm. and don't be afraid to ask it.

Gabi:

Yes. Yes.

Pam:

And I think one thing if that serves someone is once you ask the question and if the person responds, yes, you can figure it out together. The point is not to leave that person alone.

Gabi:

The number one thing is protecting the body. You know?

Pam:

Yes.

Gabi:

I compare our training to, like, CPR, like, regular seeking home, the CPR for mental health. I remind people, you know, the difference between mental health crisis and the normal crisis. If I walk into the room with a broken leg and I'm limping, all of you guys would come and sit me down, put my head leg up and call the ambulance, help me. Right? But I could walk in the room thinking about suicidal thoughts, depression, like, you know, in a very dark place, and I could walk in here and none of you guys would know unless I say something or you guys ask me. Right? So you know, the the thing to remember that we don't know what people are going through, like, on the inside and their brain and it's asking the questions, like, when you notice things, I know that it's very challenging to think about what the answer is gonna be because then that gives you fear. Like, what am I gonna do next? but it's right what you're saying, knowing that, hey. This person now has someone they can share it with. You could just be like, that Liz for me that I I need it. You know, Liz actually moved to Arizona. We stay connected on Facebook, but I'm like, look, she just connected me with that therapist that one time change my life, and that's it. You know, like, I always tell people don't feel that because you're asking the question. You're gonna now have this big, huge responsibility. I can understand how you would think that, but also just as much as you're telling that person that they're not alone with what they're feeling, you're not gonna be alone because that's how you're gonna see yourself. Like, hey, I'm not alone. We're not alone. We're gonna find this help together. And I think what what scares people, like, what if they say something, and then I can't help them? And that's one thing I've had to personally learn too in in the field that I do. I'm like, I can't save everyone and thank god and thank life and the people around me, we haven't lost anyone. We have supported by suicide, but, like, I was sharing a little bit before with you, we did lose someone recently that that changed the way we were doing our work. and losing him just reminds us that we have to keep going because so many people are struggling and feeling alone, and and that's the thing with with social media too, you feel so connected. You know, you feel so connected with so many people, but as soon as you shut off that phone or close that application, so many people are feeling so lonely.

Pam:

Right. Tell us all the places and spaces where we can find you.

Gabi:

Yeah. So I'm on Instagram. I'm on Facebook, and I'm in LinkedIn as well. You might find some old podcast videos on YouTube with a Cuema Studio podcast, but that's kinda been in a hiatus. But, you know, with the work I've been doing, I have a love and hate relationship with social media.

Pam:

Yes.

Gabi:

You know, I I'm very about connecting with my community, like, connecting with the people that are being served by our community partners. So I need to get better on that, but, yeah, we haven't had a website. Now we're getting a new website, but up to the point, it's always been people that met me, like, in the community or someone's friend as someone's brother, someone's son, just really close people to us and the community. So that's what makes it even harder to not do something about it.

Pam:

Yeah. We need to make this Global.

Gabi:

Yes. Yes. We do.

Pam:

What's the website?

Gabi:

nhspn.com.

Pam:

And in that site, people can connect with you, your trainings, do you currently only do them in Chicago, or you could travel?

Gabi:

I could travel. So, hey. You wanna take me California. Actually, our co-founder's from California. So if he was on here, he'd be like, yeah. It's so cool.

Pam:

Let's go.

Gabi:

For sure.

Pam:

I mean, I think it's important work. Do you wanna say something about Eric just to kinda, like, give him his respects and time?

Gabi:

Yes. So, right now, we're, mourning the loss of Eric Ayone with his family at this time. We met Eric in 2021. His dad actually had taken his life after his mom was deported to Mexico. So as you can imagine, being a father with, like, around, like, 14, 15, like, 2 adolescent youth. I guess it must have been really hard, you know, in dealing with the financial and, like, just everything. You know? And so Eric's dad takes his life and Eric ends up back in Illinois from Florida. And so Eric's sister who worked at the hospital with me, said, hey. Like, my brother needs some support. And real quickly, he became, like, family at our studio. He would come and we always laugh because he would take, like, 30 minutes to adjust this stuff on this big speaker that we had. He'd be like, this is the perfect, like, you know, settings on it, but every time we came back, he'd be like, who moved the speaker? You know, but he was a light, you know, for him to deal with this at such a young age. He started coming to the studio, bringing his friends. They started making bracelets. He would call me, you know, when he was having a hard time, settling in his, the homie was now being taken care of. And so he would call me all the time, and you know, yesterday was really hard to post about his passing because I always knew he was gonna do something amazing. I was like, man, Eric is gonna be someone, like, a big person, like, in the world, because there's no way that he's gotten through all of this and, you know, not make it. So at this time, Eric was doing a lot better. Like, I mean, just look at him when we met him and then see, you know, recently he was part of the football team. I say he really changed our work because it was also at this time when we were waiting for the permit from the city for our studio to be open to the public, and so we met with him then privately. It was, like, totally underground because we weren't supposed to be open, but we needed the space, you know, and so hearing his story, like, it gave AJ and I this courage. We're like, we cannot stop. We have to keep going Eric needs us. And so Saturday, I was coming back from a fundraising event, and I saw the car. It, like, crashed had just happened. And so I said a prayer because I knew, like, something had happened in that car. And so I got a text message at midnight that that night, and they told me it was Eric. And so I have, obviously, with grief, there's some of these emotions, right, because at the same time, I'm happy that he was in a better place. He had just bought a car, like, less than 25 hours. So probably, inexperience and it was raining and where he crashed, it was, like, you know, known for accidents. But being there with his high school team on Sunday, it really gave us, a sense of of comfort to know that when we met him struggling so much. He was, like, getting chased by the gangs in the school, and he was all scared to go to school. And so to see that he now had friends in school and all the people that he, that he touched. You know? And I my son who was the same exact age, and they were like, this they're so similar. He's been, like, really struggling with it and the other day he walks in my room, and he's like, you know what, mom? I'm not sad anymore. He accomplished his dream. Like, he wanted that car. It's a dream all y'all, like, you He's like and then he was in a better place. It's not like he died from, like, depression or anything like that. So I sit on that piece of comfort, but I know that it for us, it's new as a new organization. It's still, like, really new to who's someone, but it always makes it better when it's not by suicide, you know, regardless. But I can tell you one thing is that we're gonna make sure Eric's story is a light for other youth. There was a a time that he calls me on the phone. He's like, hey. Something happened. We need to meet at the studio. And so I'm about 25 minutes on the studio. So, like, we, we go, and then he's like, there was an overdose We need to get all the youth together. They need to come because I know what's gonna happen. He's like, they are all gonna start smoking weed and drinking, and that's not what they need. They're hurting Gabi. He's like, we need to get them together. it's like, yeah, but we can't because we we can't open the studio. Like, we'd get in trouble with the city, especially he's trying to bring in the high school. Right? You know, thinking about that, you know, here, like, again, I go back to his story, like, everything he was dealing with, and he's thinking about helping others. He was just a true true story of someone that was just so resilient. We're gonna continue. Mhmm. You know, the the youth initiative that we were just launching in September, actually. We're just about to launch it. And, he's gonna definitely, shine through the work that we do moving forward.

Pam:

For sure. Thank you for sharing that.

Gabi:

Thank you for letting me share because, I know it's a lot, but it really means the world to us to be able to share. Hey. Like, we're doing it because of this.

Pam:

Mhmm. And he's now your guiding light to continue the work.

Gabi:

Yes. He will be definitely something to inspire us to keep going because it's it's not easy. You know, part of this work, I just I started the suicide grief support at the hospital because I I later got my certification, to help families that I lost someone to suicide. So it's not easy. There's been so many times that I'm like, I just wanna work 9 to 5 that I wanna care about. Not that I don't wanna care about it. Like, I don't wanna, like, I want, this is hard.

Pam:

Yeah. You need a break.

Gabi:

Yeah. But, you know, like I said, stories and people that just change change us, you know, and make us keep, like, reminders, like, why we started this? It just would be something we can't stop. And last November, we had a survivors of suicide event with the foundation the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and we were nominated for their yearly awards, their national awards because we were the 1st bilingual survivor event they'd had, and they're a thirty seven year old organization. So little things like that. And I'm like, wow. Like, they've never had a bilingual survivor's event. So it's like the those things like that that I'm like, we're making a difference. You know, even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it, we are. You know, I have a heart for survivors of suicide loss because I know it's so hard to know that your community doesn't understand it, especially, like, if you're if you're Catholic, you know, the way that these losses were treated back in, like, just a few years ago, not even that long ago. And also in the Christian community, there it comes with so much judgment too. So it could definitely feel very alone for families to deal with your grief.

Pam:

Thank you for your work.

Gabi:

That's where I'm able to, you know, use my story and and let him know, hey, like, now this is giving me a sense of purpose. And as hard as it is, you know, sometimes I wake up, and I and I'm like, who told me I could do this? You're up there. You told me I could do this, but again, it's it's seen, like, people that we work with, and I would see them in a different place. And I'm like, It's worth every hour of unpaid work that I've given back to this organization and cause. You know, it's worth it. I'm like, I had no purpose before Gabi was this lost young mother, you know, looking for validation in so many places. And now I'm just like, I wake up and as hard as this is, like, I know people know that I'm there. And I know that my sons are seeing, like, my mom is doing this from the ground up, and they're with me and they support me. And, I know I'm changing the narrative for my, at least for my kids, you know, my kids. I'm making sure that they know they they can be emotional and that they can say I'm struggling or I'm not, you know,

Pam:

Mhmm. Like, it's like Eric. Yeah. Gabi, thank you so much. Your work is awesome. Thank you for doing it for all of us. it's needed, and it's really powerful. I know it's hard.

Gabi:

Yes. It's it's really needed. And, I can say, and I like to, you know, put this out there if if if someone's out there and and they're the first ones, I'll take it, but were the first, suicide prevention organization, founded by Hispanics. Like -- Wow. This was her prevention. And so I can't wait to see where guys will take us and the doors that he's gonna open for us. And I hope to see other Gabby's and AJ's, like, walking around the world spreading hope and love and support for others. I definitely hope I can see it be more just normal to have a story about suicide and mental health and and be proud of of of surviving it and not be ashamed of sharing it because I needed that. You know, I grew up in a in a church, like, I was saying where people seem so perfect. Like, no one ever felt like, you know, my dad. He was like a pastor, and everybody admired him and admired my parents. And so, you know, there was a time in my life where I was like, how can god use me? Like, I'm already, like, you know, tainted. I'm like, you know, I felt like I didn't have a purpose. And so that's where I think my struggles came from, you know, my my lack of a self worth. And so I shared that this part with other people because if you can love someone no matter where they are at, like, and give them that that value that they deserve, you're gonna change them. You know, you're gonna change the way they see themselves. And so it's very needed work, and I know there's so many other people that I'm already seeing making a difference. We have a a group of ambassadors that were just launched, this program, and I already have some that are already sharing their story, that already speaking in public. So I know that's amazing because that's healing. That's healing for the person doing it too.

Pam:

For sure. Oh, that's good work. So last two questions. Do you have a productivity tip trick or tool that you wanna share?

Gabi:

Yes. I struggled with ADHD, and yeah. So I'm gonna give credit to Rob Dial, who's a the mindset mentor podcast. He shared a tip that I've tried, and it really works for me. So he said, if you're working on a task, like, stick to one task, work on it for 25 minutes, but you have to have your headphones with bineural beats for focus, 25 minutes, take off every distraction that you can think of, work for 25 minutes, and then take a break, 5 minute break, and then come back until you finish that task. That has done wonders for me, focusing on the one thing. No. It's great.

Pam:

One thing at a time. That's like poison for ADHD people.

Gabi:

Yes. And I used to think that, you know, I used to think like, oh, I'm so amazing because I do a million things at once. I love reading. That's another thing I'm passionate about. So it's If you wanna read the one thing

Pam:

-- The one is good. Yes.

Gabi:

Yes. You don't have to do everything. Just do a few things that you're really good at and that you love, and that's my productivity tip.

Pam:

Yep. The one thing you're you need to do the priority. And do you have a quote or mantra that you live by?

Gabi:

You know what? Yeah. Our studio's name is Poema, which is masterpiece in Greek, and we always share that "you're a beautiful masterpiece and a working project at the same time".

Pam:

I love that. My last question is about is love.

Gabi:

Love is being yourself and allowing others to do the same.

Pam:

Gabi, thank you so much for being at Café con Pam.

Gabi:

Thank you so much. I admire your work. Thank you for giving us a platform. I stopped saying thank you for giving us a voice to people because we all have a voice. Right? it's in these spaces and these platforms that we are given the blessing to make a difference in our community. And so thank you, because we've had nos from some people. Some people are like, hey. I'm gonna talk about this. Like, no, we really don't. You know, so trust me, and we've gotten that. And so it takes courage to say we're gonna bring up the topic. And so thank you for the work that you do, and thank you for allowing us to share about our organization, but more than that, about this mission and I had a mom the other day that, you know, I coached the parents, and I'm like, yo le voy a decir la verdad, si me están pidiendo ayuda yo se la voy a dar bien, you know, I'm gonna tell you, how you can be better. So you're gonna have to hear the hard truths. And then so the other day, she's like, así que me estás diciendo que yo soy el problema. I was like, no, estoy diciendo que usted es la solución. You know, and stuff. I want our community to know that it's not that we have a problem. We have a solution. We just have to come together and say, like, we are the solution. We are gonna come together and make a difference. And start at home. Start in your community, and your community is your home. Or at home, start with yourself. You know, you are your home.

Pam:

Mhmm. So good. Alright listeners. That was Gabi. I am so impressed and grateful for her work. I wanna dedicate this episode to the life of Eric that you heard Gabi talk about. And this one's a little somber. This one is one that I think necessary. There's a conversation that it's necessary for us to have. for us to engage in, for us to learn and be trained on, especially because as you heard Gabby talk about, it affects us so much. So definitely check out the show notes. We are going to have some resources there for you to engage with and and break the silence of suicide because it's very real and it does affect us in so many ways.

Let's stay connected. Let's keep the conversation going. Check out our Discord server where you can join us and we can continue to talk about mental health. It's so important and necessary. And let's remove the shame and the stigma. Let's break that silence because your life is worth it. and your presence on this earth is necessary. And people do care that you are here. We can continue the conversation in many places, not just or Discord server. You can also follow us @cafeconpampodcast on Facebook and Instagram. Follow Cafe con Pam on Apple podcast Spotify or whichever platform of choice you have. It's important for you to subscribe because then you'll be the first to know when episodes drop. You can also download the Latina Podcasters Network app and learn more from other awesome podcasters. This one is one where I will definitely remind you to check out the episode notes. That's where you'll find resources not only to contact Gabi, but also if you find yourself in a place of need right now, definitely go to the episode notes, cafeconpam.com/listen/321. Y bueno, listeners. Thank you so much for being here. I'm grateful you lend me your ears. And if you chose to listen to this episode today, I hope it supports you and perhaps gives you, or at least a little bit, the beginning of that knowledge journey to support others because mental health is important. Thank you so much. Y como siempre, stay shining!

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Marina Linardi

321 - Breaking The Silence with Gabi Vargas